I believe in doing the greatest good
for the greatest number.
The greatest number is one.
That one is me.
Yuh can tink uh me as Da Brain, always lookin' fer a new Pinky, 'cause dey always seem tuh leave so quickly.
I been a Henchman, an I'm through wid dat bit. I'm ready tuh move on. Yeah, yeah, wid my experience, I been approached by udder evil twins, wantin' tuh partner. Partner? What's dat mean to a evil twin? It means dat yer just helpin' dem advance dere goals until the inevitable day when dey don' need yuh anymore. You know what dat makes yuh, doncha? Righ. A minion. Screw dat. My time is comin'.
I ain't cut out to be Minion material, see? If I wuz, I woulda stayed married, if ya know what I mean.
Awright. What are da duties of a evil twin, as I see dem?
Well ta paraphrase Abbie Hoffman: "The first duty of [an evil twin] is to get away with it." I made it through high school widdout gettin' arrested.
Da next is loyalty tuh his boring twin. Henry goes down, I go down. Simple as dat. Money won't always buy an evil twin's loyalty, but yuh can count on self-interest every time. I taught Computer Science at uh univoisity fer nine years. Do ya' think I wuz getting' paid any kinda money? No way! If yuh tink so, ya haven't taught at a univoisity dat wusn't covered wid ivy on it's walls. No, I didn't do it for da money, so dat's loyalty for ya right there. If I hadn't had dat' little business on da side, I wouldn't-a been able to support doze coupla little hobbies I have. ("Shuddup, Vinnie: doze are hobbies, not habits!") I don't know why I put up wid dat guy. Vinnie: dere's a Minion for ya.
Anyway, da next duty of an evil twin is ta be able tuh enforce his wishes, see? I'm a netwoik administrator who used to be a SysAdmin who's dun hardware repair, programming, and customer service in his day. Yeah, I can enforce my policies, all right. And if ya' don't tink I can find out what da minions are doin' on da side, you don't have any idea of the collection of liddle tools I've built up over da years, some of which I've developed myself. Dey'll enforce my policies, all right. Da minions screw wid me and I'll service em like Secretariat serviced da whole friggin Meadow Stable.
Now, den. I also got fleet little fingers in da pocket and on da locks, which can come in real handy for woild domination. How fleet? Well, dere's dat little incident in London, and yeah, I do mean England. True, I found it advisable to catch da foist plane outa da country (you woulda' too) but I got away wid da relics, and I still got 'em. Both uh dem.
Again, 'nuff said, especially 'cause I don' know what da statue of limitations is ("Dat's a pun, Vinnie!" He's such a moron.) and I don' wanna find out.
Skilled wid high explosives? Check. Guns an' ammo an sharp trusty things made wid Sheffield steel? I'm yer poisonal Fort Knox. Electronics? Skilled, creative, and ever so resourceful. Car chases? Skip Barber school at Lime Rock. Hand to hand combat? Are you friggin kiddin'? Yeah, I got some moves, but da whole idea is to not let you get close enough dat I'll need 'em. Haven't you been reading? Dat's what minions are for!
I gotta lotta udder liddle talents dat we needn't go intuh in unencrypted text, so yer lookin' at a full-fledged evil twin wid plenty uh quality Henchman experience, and I already got my own minion, ta boot. I'm kinda like Da' Brain, but widdout da big ears and (if I may say so myself) a much cuter tail.
Ah, yes. Da goils. Or, da ladies, if you prefer. Evil can be charming, I'm one uh da outlaws dat ladies love, an' I've loved 'em back. Black hair, brown hair, blonde hair, red hair. Short, tall, fat, skinny, black or white or green with poiple spots... what's not to like? I don' keep score, but I been happily surprised by a whole universe uh very creative ladies! I got no diseases an' no regrets, an' I bring a lot uh experience to da table. Or da bed. Or da floor...
Or da beach? Not so much. I don' need da sand in da sensitive spots, an' I bet you don' neither. Plus, an evil twin can't be too careful, an' dat's not an activity dat Vinny's invited to, so I'd be exposed and vulnerable. Dat's not me. What I am is funny and enthusiastic and roaringly passionate and I'm your 60 minute man... plus, I'm very well read, so if yer' a lady, I'll be happy to show ya a good tome.
I'll even use correct English, if it'll please you, ma'am.
Awright, where were we? Ah, yes, conquerin' da woild. Well, ya gotta have secret stashes, private hideaways, and a wide choice uh escape plans. Plus, lots uh secure space, tuh train an' practice. I know all da back roads uh New Joisey, especially roun' da Pinies (which can be real handy when yer assemblin' material for woild domination) and I can show ya where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. In fact, I can show ya six or eight places.
Me? I got outta dere. I been a lotta places, I dun a lotta tings, an I got uh lotta former employers-- sorry, dere not available tuh give references. I been aroun' for more den uh half uh century now, an' in a profession like dis, dat's all the reference you need.
But I ain't gettin' any younger. An' I tink I'm ready for woild domination now. So if we got mutual goals, or if ya just wanna have a little bit uh fun and some amusing diversions ta relieve da rigors uh attempted conquest, da woik uh acquirin resources, and da stress uh bein' chased by da lawful owners uh dose resources, let's have a little chat, huh?
And Vinnie? He comes wid me for free. He's a putz, but he does what I tell him. Yuh don' like Vinnie? No problem: he don' always sit wid his back against da wall, ha ha ha!Oh, yeah, da green wid poiple spots? I don' tink she was. I tink dat was da mushrooms she brought wid her. But it's been uh lotta long years since I let myself get dat vulnerable, or I wouldn't be here now. Case closed.
If I wanted you to understand, I would explain it better.